6 Years Ago!

It was 6 years ago when I faced the second spinal cord surgery. I have to be honest here, as much as I try to not think of this event every year, I cannot lose the memories of it.  I literally feel sick to my stomach.  Yes, this is me, a woman who tries to walk in faith, but feeling very vulnerable on this anniversary. I cannot get the memories of the horrific pain I went through for 3 months before I noticed any difference out of my head.
Then in less than a month I had to have the 3rd spinal cord surgery. This one just as delicate as the others but in a different way. This was when the dural sac that houses the spinal cord and spinal fluid and the nerve roots ruptured spontaneously. That added to the pain, in a whole different way. And when I was told I would be at danger of this happening at anytime for the rest of my life. And to expect the nerve damage to progress and not improve. And to expect the pain to progress as well because of the damage to the nerves. That was a lot to absorb!
This was also when I was diagnosed with the leukemia.
So yes, I have horrible memories about that time. Memories I would rather forget, and yet for
 some reason they are as vivid as ever. I pray, Lord God, why do you want me to remember this so vividly?
Then He gently reminds me of the miracle I am, of the protection He has given me and my fragile body, and of the Body of Christ, the Church that selflessly gave of their time to help me.
From the very beginning, in 1990, I have always prayed that the pain I endure, the hardships that Paul and I have faced because of my medical needs, that I would never forget what God has done for us and how He has brought me through these times. I always prayed that if I had to endure these things let it be so no one else would have to. I asked God that He would show the doctors what they needed to learn, and pour wisdom into them so they might be able to help someone else.
I also asked God that these things would be all for His glory. That somehow what I went through would bring glory to God.
Now let's go back to today, why am I reminded so vividly? I would say to remember the wonderful ladies that volunteered their time to come stay with me, and care for me so that Paul could work. They cooked for me, they lifted me into the wheelchair, they waited on me continuously. This is what the church is all about, caring for one another. There is a blessing in this that is indescribable.  A blessing for both sides.
I also am reminded about our son and daughter in law coming to visit. I was discharged from the hospital the day after they arrived.  I remember my son lifting me from the bed into the chair. I secretly cried out to God and said no child should have to see their Mom go through this. I again asked God to please make it so no one else has to experience this.
I also remember that my son's in-laws were on Skype and together they all prayed for me. I truly knew at that time I would be an overcomer and get through all of this.
You may be thinking where is the faith in all of this. How does this glorify God? With every step I take, even in pain, I am reminded that it is a miracle I can even take a step. I am reminded that it has been 6 years, I have had many surgeries in the last 6 years, I have faced leukemia and chemo, and the dural sac has remained intact. That, folks, is plenty to praise God about.
These are the reasons I can walk in faith, I can trust God, and I can believe He has His best for me.
And I think one of the most important things I have learned is that whatever I go through, no matter how severe the pain is, whatever else comes my way, I want God to be glorified above all. And I want others to be touched and receive their own miracle.
Does that mean it will be easy? Absolutely not! I am sure it will be quite hard many times. The outcome may not be what I wanted or expected. But every morning when I read God's Word and pray to Him, I ask Him for the strength to get through my trials, to have the faith to face them with boldness and confidence.
So my point faithful readers, it may not be easy, but with the help of Jesus Christ, we can have faith and we can face our trials and EXPECT victory. What ever you are facing, call on Jesus, and also call on the Church. We are not meant to face things alone. We have a huge family through God that can help us, lift us up, and stand in the gap in prayer for us.

Philippians 4:13Amplified Bible (AMP)

13 I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.]

Who is to blame?

How many times have we heard the phrase "Who is to blame?"  How many times have we thought it, or felt like we needed to blame someone?

Last week I had a treatment for the leukemia.  This was the 3rd try for this treatment. Each time I have had a severe reaction. This time the dose was lessened and the length of time for the infusion extended. Still, I had another severe reaction.  It was awful. But I knew it wouldn't last forever, even though it seemed like it. 

This got me thinking, when we have a difficulty with something, or things don't go our way, how do we react?  Do we start blaming someone, or even blame God? Think about that for a moment.  Truthfully we all have had moments when we felt someone was to blame.  And as time goes on we realize that usually we were just as much to blame as anyone else.  But, have you blamed God?  I hope I am never that desperate to blame God for anything.  He is the one that truly will never desert us. He loves us unconditionally. 

I'm sure some may be thinking how can I say that, knowing my medical hardships. Because of the truth, the fact that He loves me, and the fact that He has His best for me. 

I don't know why my spinal cord was tethered and damaged. I don't know why I have leukemia on top of all of that. But I do know that God did not cause it.  We live in an imperfect world.  We have imperfect bodies.  Things will go wrong, things will happen. That is the way our universe works. 

However, we have a choice to sulk in our own self pity or pick ourselves up and move forward. 

I stand on God's promises for my life. And the fact that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made by our creator God. That doesn't mean my body won't fail me. But what it does mean is that God will always be by my side. He will always see me through my trials, He will always carry me through when I don't feel I can make it on my own. 

God will do that for you also. No matter what your circumstance, call on Him. He will always be by your side. Whether it is something we have done, or something you'd like to blame someone else for, or just a fact of life, God is near. 

Just another little point to make, God is near to help us through. But sometimes we still need to take an active role in our victory. After all, if we were always handed our victories without having to do the hard work, how would we learn? 

I hope this encourages you my friends.  I pray that as you go through a trial you feel the presence of God right next to you. Reach for your victory.  It is there for you. 

"A Work in Progress"

I was listening to a song this morning and that got my interest. The song talks about how God is not finished with us yet. Whether we have weight issues, hair issues, health issues, or just plain issues, it does not mean we will always be in that situation.  God is at work in us all of the time.  Not just on a Sunday, or when we are in church.  There is a scripture in Philippians that tells us this very thing.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. - Philippians 1:6
God has promised to finish what he has started in us. But we have to remember, not everything is instant.  Sometimes it takes many of life's lessons to get to that place God wants us to be at.
Let me tell you from my perspective.  As you know by now, I have major spinal cord damage and leukemia.  The spinal cord has been operated on 3 times.  All 3 surgeries lengthy and risky. Those surgeries were necessary to keep me alive and with some quality of life. I was not promised the cord would be fine or that I would be good to go for life.  Instead I've been told I may need the surgery again, and again.  I have to say this literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. So what gives me the will to go on, the fact that Jesus promises He will finish what He has begun in me.  I don't know when that will be, but I know without a doubt it will happen. And I know the same for the leukemia.  The kind I have is chronic. This means it will never go away or be in remission. But it is treatable.  Sure I deal with the effects of it in my body. The fatigue, the susceptibility of repeated infections, these do wear me out.  But still, God is bigger than all of that. He has a perfect plan. I have to take comfort in those promises He gives us.
No matter what you are going through or dealing with, God has a plan, and He promises to finish it.  I encourage you to reach out for that strength He gives us, no matter what others say, or what your diagnosis says, God is bigger. And I am so very grateful for that.
Take a listen to this song.  I pray you find the strength and hope Jesus has for you.